Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas

We left Anaheim on Wednesday morning and prepared for our drive to Vegas. It wasn't meant to be a long drive, just 4 and a half hours of so, but when I switched on the news that morning I heard that 'today is going to be the worst travel day of the year!'. With it being Thanksgiving on Thursday, the roads were set to be pretty bad that day and we expected the worst. But actually, the drive was fine and while it did take us a while to get out of LA, it didn't actually take us that long to get to Vegas. We were slightly disappointed that it was still daylight when we arrived. We had been hoping for that 'Hangover' scene where they drive along and then all of a sudden they see the Vegas bright light skyline. We kept seeing skylines and saying, is that Vegas, and then realising that no, it wasn't. Eventually, we drove on to Tropicana Avenue and saw the MGM Grand on the corner and we knew that we were, at last, in Vegas.

We found our motel, which totally looked like a horror movie set and we immediately headed out to explore the strip, which was conveniently placed just around the corner. By now it was getting dark and the bright lights of Vegas were shinning. The place is just nuts. Everything there is so massive that you forget how big each casino/hotel is. You look at one and think, well, it doesn't look that huge in comparison to the one next to it, but then you have to stop yourself and think, but if you put that Casino in the middle of Glasgow it would be gigantic. We walked into the MGM Grand and they've got a big Rainforest Cafe, like in London, and Kev said 'Oh look at the snakes...', I turned to admire the silly little puppet snakes slithering around the walls. A few moments later Kev turned to me and said 'Oh my god, there are lions here...', again, I turned to inspect what I thought would be more fury puppets, but no.... in the MGM Grand lobby there are actually two huge lions!! As you walk in there is a huge glass room where these two lions live, and from that moment on, we knew that the next few days were going to be like no other days on this trip! Kev took great pleasure walking under the glass walkway where the lions slept above his head. I decided to bypass that tunnel and walk directly through the masses of fruit machines packed with old people pumping their quarters down the drain to the ring ding ding of the gambling addiction.

Just opposite the MGM is the New York New York Casino, which is nowhere near as classy but they do have an awesome roller-coaster that goes all around the outside. It's just the craziest place you can imagine. We headed straight into the Hard Rock Cafe to get some dinner and in there it was like finding solace. They played awesome music, it wasn't busy, and you could observe the chaos of the strip from behind the glass windows. We decided to start the evening with an appetiser of buffalo wings. We asked our server what was the difference between 'Classic Rock' and 'Heavy Metal' sauce and he assured us that Heavy Metal was spicy but he 'didn't think it was spicy at all'. Now, I know, I know what you're all thinking... for a Classic Rock lover like me I should have known, always stick with the Classics. But the Bon Jovi angel wasn't on my shoulder that night and we trusted our server and opted for the Heavy Metal. I have to say, the choice was worth it simply for the amount I laughed. The wings were hotter than Rosy in Kuala Lumpur, but Kev seemed to approach the dish like it was a challenge. He was torn between the fact that the wings tasted so good, but yet with every bite, a layer of his lips seemed to painfully dissolve like they were being dipped in acid. I can't tell you how funny it was to watch him persist with his portion, a look of sheer joyous indulgence masked by the pain of human mouth tissue erosion. We laughed a lot and just as we were finishing the bowl, our helpful server brought us over 2 glasses of water -I've never seen Kevin glare at anyone before, but there was murder in his eyes when he thanked our waiter for the overdue quality H2O.

Aside from that, we had a great meal in Hard rock. We were completely preoccupied with the table top jukebox, with which you place bets for the next song on a touch screen. And at the entrance of the restaurant, Kev was like a kid in a candy shop when he saw the huge touch screen information board. It was like a futuristic computer that you wouldn't look out of place in Mission Impossible and Kev spent ages moving things around and playing with the information on the wall – it was like his inner geek was being allowed to roam free in a cool environment, he was truly in his element.

We spent the rest of that evening walking the strip and we only made it about half way along. We passed the Bellagio, but refrained ourselves from entering as we wanted to save that treat for our stay there on Friday. There was plenty more to see anyway. We stopped by in Caesars Palace which is the biggest place I've ever seen and being such lovers of 'The Hangover' we wanted to go to the desk and ask if 'this really was Caesar's Palace'. We didn't off course, far too British to make silly jokes like that. We then went across the road to The Rockhouse which was the strangest Rock pub I've ever been too. It was incredibly quiet and we soon realised why – they put off people who don't like Rock music by calling the place The Rockhouse, but then also manage to put off the people that do like Rock music by playing nothing but hip hop inside – funny marketing techniques. Inside the only people enjoying themselves were those playing a game of beer ping pong. Beer ping pong, for those of you who don't know (and I'm ashamed to admit that included me until this trip) is where two opponents stand either end of a table. At each end of the table is a triangle of plastic pint glassed filled with about a shot full of beer. The aim is to throw a ping pong ball into your opponents glass and then he has to drink his shot of beer (In Scotland I suspect this game would be played with shots of Abysinth, but here Bud Light seems to do the trick!). I think me and Kev must be getting old because we watched these two couples throw ping pong balls at each other, all we could think was 'urr, that ball lands on the floor, then eventually lands in their drink and then they down it...' - ah, the crazy days of me and Kev are well and truly gone!

The next day we slept really late. I had yet another cold and some horrible sinus infection that meant my nose bled and that freaked me right out (Kev got it too but complained far less than me). So we had a long lie in and then hit the strip about 3pm. We started with Excalibur (a big kind of Cinderella's Castle thing) and the Luxur Casinos (a giant pyramid) which weren't very nice at all and then we decided to do as the American's do and to get the monorail service from the Luxur to New York New York. This was a distance of about a three minute walk, but hey, when in Rome!

We grabbed a cheeky hot dog in New York (seriously, I'm going to be like Roseanne Barr when I leave here, the size of a whale in a body leached of vitamins). Then we continued our walk up the strip. We stopped in Treasure Island and had a look around the gift shop. Treasure Island is tacky and cheap but awesome – it's a big pirate style casino and outside they have two massive pirate ships that sometimes fight (although they weren't working while we were there). The gift shop was full of pirate style Vegas gifts and I indulged in a new wallet (to put all the masses of money that I'm not going to have when we get home in! ) and a lovely vest top with a big skull on it (to go with all the other skull and crossbones clothes I have in my wardrobe – this is something a girl can never have enough of). We stopped in the bar and enjoyed a Vodka Martini which stung the nostrils and burned the lining off my throat (but it's the only drink I enjoy when I'm trying to pretend I'm sophisticated!). Kev had a Mojito but drank it like juice so wasn't allowed a second.

We made our way back down to New York New York because Kev really wanted to go to Coyote Ugly for happy hour (hmm, I wonder why?). When we got there he hated it. We walked in and within moments a big drunk bloke had fallen on me and even more annoying was that there were two bars – at one there was a huge queue with one barmaid, and the other bar was on the other side of the pub and to get to it you had to cross a dance floor where a lady was shouting at people from on top of the bar and making them dance. If you could make it across that gauntlet you might be able to get a drink but you'd probably have to flirt with the semi naked girl dancing on the bar to get it. All I could think was 'ohhh, if she slipped in those heels, that is going to hurt', I suspect all the men in that bar were not so concerned about her welfare. But for Kev, any girl, no matter how pretty, no matter how semi naked, that comes between him and his beer isn't worth the hassle, so we decided to leave.

We chose to stick with what we knew and went back to Hardrock and from there were headed down to Bally's where we had tickets to see a traditional Vegas show – Jubilee. Bobby in LA had totally recommended that we go see this show and it probably wasn't something we would have done if it hadn't been recommended so highly. And we were so glad we saw it. It was absolutely like nothing we'd ever seen before. It's a topless show where the girls wear awesome costumes on their head and lower half and the men sing and wave jazz hands. It's as camp as Christmas but awesome and Sarita, the men are as naked as the women so there's no feminism needed here (in fact, if you have an issue with feminism, take it out on the thousands of Mexicans who stand on the strip giving out flyers advertising 'girls to your door in 20 minutes'. Seriously, these flyers are graphic and not only were they almost forcing them into my hand – making me slightly concerned that I look either like a boy or a lesbian, but they also chuck them on the floor for kids to pick up – as we saw many cheeky kids doing and secretly stuffing them in their pockets before their parents could see, I'm sure they'll make a few bucks at school with those bad boys – gross – no wonder America is messed up, there are so many kids in Vegas learning about drinking, smoking, gambling and every other sin you can imagine by the time they reach 10 years old – rant over!). But back to Jubilee – no one is naked really, it's a traditional Vegas show and while the women do have their tops off, and the men do wear skimpy pants, it's not seedy, it's like I suppose a really old fashioned west end show. The sets and the dancing were awesome, and I'm not making it sound good am I, but it really was worth seeing. We laughed a lot at first when it started because we couldn't believe we were sitting watching something like that, but it was great.

After the show we wandered around a few more casinos and then stumbled across an outdoor Karaoke bar. We sat down and ordered a drink As I did so, another bar maid draped herself over the bar and asked the guy next to me if he had a light. She could barely speak and she questioned whether it was right for a bar maid to be asking a customer for things – I suspect she should have been more worried about being totally wasted while on her shift, but maybe things like that don't matter in Vegas. Anyway, we sat down and were having a great time watching everyone getting up and singing really badly. Just as I was preparing myself to show those amateurs how it's really done, a guy plonked himself down at our table. We really should have known that we were in trouble when the first thing he said was (as the security guard walked away from the bar and into the nearest casino) 'thank god the security has gone, he was doing my head in'. Not a good start to any conversation but at first he seemed OK, just a little drunk. Then he started telling us that he was in Vegas with his girlfriend who had gone back to the hotel to bed. Later that story changed to his sister – knowing this guy though, perhaps they were one and the same – and then before we knew it the conversation had changed into how much of a hard man he was. He certainly wasn't threatening us, just showing off that ...'he could rip our heads off right now if he wanted to...', ...'wow, that's amazing...' I would reply in my finest English accent as I sat waiting for him to tell us about his new business idea....'Seven....Minute....Abs....' Now I fear that for anyone who hasn't seen 'Something About Mary' that you are not going to appreciate this joke, but me and Kev were looking at each other thinking, any minute now he was going to ask us to 'step into his office...because we're f***ing fired!'. He was the biggest serial killer on the loose that we have encountered so far in America, but it was hysterical how much he was like the psycho that Ted picks up on his way to Miami in the film. Thankfully, psycho guy stumbled off briefly to ask some other guys for a light and while his back was turned, me and Kev pegged it. It was so funny running away, checking over our shoulder, and I'm sure in reality he was harmless enough, but seriously....'seven, minute, abs!', that's all I've got to say – watch the film.

We found safety in the Paris Casino, which was like a breathe of fresh air. Inside the ceiling was painted like the sky and while you were in there it honestly felt like you were in the beautiful countryside of Paris, but strangely surrounded by slot machines and roulette tables. We stopped there for a bit and then headed back down to the MGM Grand. We were surprised by how quiet it was everywhere, but then it was Thanksgiving. We had a drink in the MGM and by now it was about 4 in the morning. I was ready to stay out all night (secretly because I didn't fancy heading back to our horror movie hotel in the dark while Seven Minute Abs was on the prowl), but Kev was disappointed with the quietness and we decided to go back to the motel. Thankfully, it wasn't far away, but we did put a big chest of draws in front of the door before we went to sleep...just in case!! (Mum and Lesley, don't worry, I'm dramatising, kind of...!)

Later that morning we woke, bleary headed and dicky tummy's and checked out of our motel. We got in the car and, much to Kev's joy, he drove down the strip. We pulled into the Bellagio car park and wandered in. It is by far the classiest Casino of them all, without a doubt. It's just beautiful in there and we were gutted that we were too early to check in right away. We spent the morning getting a coffee in the Mirage (which is nice, but not a patch on the Bellagio, although they do have a cool volcano display at night with fire bellowing out of a big rock) and wandering around the Venetian a bit more. The Venetian is pretty amazing. It has a big river thing running though it and from outside you can get a gondola along the river. We figured that as we didn't get a gondola ride when we were actually in Venice last year, we weren't going to get on a fake one, but we did appreciate the awesomeness of the Venetian all the same. Inside it has amazing painted ceilings and stunning pillars and it really does look impressive (but again, not a patch on the Bellagio). By now we had pretty much seen every Casino on the strip and it was about time to check into the Bellagio. I was feeling pretty rough and my nose was still bleeding, so I couldn't wait to get in and chill out. Our room was just perfect. The bathroom was the best part and the view from the 24^th floor Lake View room was amazing. Thank you to Matchlight for treating us! We reluctantly headed out to get dinner in Bally's (if we could have afforded room service we would have just stayed in!!) and then shot straight back to our room for the night. Within minutes I was soaking in a luxurious hot bath and then I wrapped myself in my robe, put on my Bellagio slippers, flipped the switch and as the electronic curtains opened to reveal the view of the Vegas strip, Kev popped the cork on the champagne and we settled down to enjoy the numerous water shows that the Bellagio put on. We tuned our TV into the water show music and sat staring out at the Eiffel Tower outside the Paris Casino as the illuminated fountains danced to classics such as 'Santa Baby' and 'A Little Less Conversation'. It was truly awesome and I can honestly say that anyone going to Vegas has to do this for at least one night. Eventually we tired of the water show and decided to watch some films instead. My choice was 'Funny People', which with a line up of Adam Sandler and Seth Rogan you would have thought would have been Funny – clue's in the title people, no? No! It's the most depressing film I've ever watched and the worst film at that. I've never been one to give up on films half way, unless I fall asleep, which does often happen, but I don't intentionally give up ever – that's like failing in a mission and I don't do that – but being as teary as I am half the time here, I really didn't need to watch this, so we switched it off half way through. Kev's choice was next and he opted for Bruno. This was a much funnier option but we were slightly disturbed by the end scene where the crazy guy in the audience at the wrestling match looks like he's going to burst a blood vessel when Sacha Baron Cohen starts fighting in the ring. If that's not bad enough, when it becomes clear that Bruno is a gay, this crazy red neck starts crying and actually looks like his whole world has fallen apart. While we're spending a month in a country where you can help yourself to any gun you want from you're local Walmart (ASDA to you and I) and where billboards on the side of the road read 'Guns...try one...', this kind of behaviour on a faux documentary style film is a little disconcerting.

Anyway, I fell asleep soon after but Kev stayed awake to enjoy the film. I think this night gave Kev the taste of luxury that he now craves and while I've never been happy in the grotty places we're staying at, now Kev is also wishing we could win the lottery and stay in places like that every night. While Kev stayed awake that night he did see 17 police cars surround Ceasar's Palace next door, something was kicking off but he couldn't see what... all I have to say is....Seven....Minute...Abs.

The next morning we hesitantly checked out of the Bellagio, as late as we could I might add. It was a little annoying that the maid woke us up at 9am to ask what time we would be checking out. I put the Do Not Disturb sign on the door from then on as I wanted a lie in, but yet a porter soon came knocking giving me the hairdryer that I had supposedly ordered. He wouldn't believe me that I hadn't ordered it so I took it anyway and went back to bed. About 10 minutes later the phone rang – it was the maid service ringing to check I had received the hair dryer I ordered – I think this was their subtle way of getting us out!! Kev was really sad to leave Vegas, he loved it there. I was sad too, I really like Vegas, but at the same time, I was happy to be going for now. Three days is plenty there and the crowds do get a bit bonkers and the 24 hourness of the place just gets a bit much. We'll definitely be back. In fact, Sarita, you fancy a trip? I reckon you'd love it! Out of all the Casinos there we would say that our favourites were the Bellagio (of course), Paris, the Venetian and the MGM and New York New York is nice in an un-intimidating way.

We picked up our car and drove down the rest of the strip to the Little White Chapel. I had wanted to take a photo of me and Kev outside the chapel and just post it on the blog to make everyone freak out. But Kev thought this was a little harsh of me as he thought both of our families would cry! His sense of humour is clearly not as cruel as mine, but I bowed to his sensibleness!

As soon as we left Vegas we got on the freeway and hit a huge traffic jam straight away....and that would be the beginning of our very long journey to Arizona.